"I was determined to not let my eating disorder define who I am"

Conor Doherty has suffered with an eating disorder since he was in his early teens. He asked for medical help on multiple occasions but he never received the professional support he needed. 

Speaking to Derry News, the 25 year old opens up about his journey in the hopes to help others who may feel abandoned, lost or struggling and that there is always hope, "Every time I have spoken about my experience before, I have come out on the other side of a relapse. I am obviously always dealing with the struggles of it but I am looking back on it rather than being completely in it. This time, being completely in it, it is different but I want to do it," Conor said.

Conor went to an all boys Catholic school and was the only openly gay boy in his year. He continued: "I have always dealt with the homophobic rhetoric that I don't want to go into because it hasn't changed who I am today. I have completely blocked that out. I still to this day don't know what started everything with my eating disorder. 

"I have been struggling with it since I was 14 years old and I am 25 now. I have had some very low times and I have seeked help multiple times with the same answer every time. I had never admitted to myself before that I needed help and what was happening to me was wrong and hurting me. It wasn't until my very good friend sat me down and said we need to get you help because if you keep going this way, there won't be a you for very long."

After that vital conversation with his friend, Conor seeked help from a doctor, an experience he describes as one of the worst experiences of his entire life.

"They told me that my BMI was too high for me to get specialist help. They blamed bereavement in my family. My family has experienced loss but we processed that together and in a healthy way. They prescribed fluoxetine. The main effects are loss of appetite and fatigue. I just remember balling my eyes out to my best friend afterwards because it took me so much to ask for help and beg for someone to help me and talk to me and I was given these tablets and sent on my way. It was like handing a suicidal person a noose. 

"The whole thing seemed so counterproductive. The second time I asked for help, they prescribed the tablets again and then the third relapse, which I am living through at the moment, I reached out again and was offered the tablets again. It is a commonly used medicine to help with bulimia but I have never been diagnosed with a specific eating disorder. I explained everything to them about how I hated food and how I hated myself. There are times that I just don't eat and there are times when I do eat that I am sick. I don't have the binge aspect of bulimia. 

"It keeps getting pinpointed to my bereavements but I know myself that's not it. I feel like because I am male, I am not taken seriously. I know it is not just males that are not taken seriously when they seek help, so many people struggle to get the help they need, but I do feel like eating disorders are stereotyped as "a girl thing.

"When I seeked medical advice and was told to eat three meals a day and that I couldn't get someone to speak to, it was so heartbreaking. I felt so alone and abandoned. I hoped that the next time I seeked help, it would be different, and it wasn't. I felt weird, like I shouldn't be going through what I was. I don't want another child growing up and feeling like they're weird because they are going through a mental health issue more commonly associated with girls."

Conor wanted to open up about his experiences to help anyone who may be feeling the same and to let them know they are not alone, "If I can help one person, one boy that could be going through this and feeling abandoned because they're told 'only girls feel that way' or 'boys don't have issues with food' or 'boys don't get eating disorders.' We do. You might feel low at times but if you push through it, you can get to the other side. Talking about it is so important.

"People think that you can just pick up food when you want and then just not eat, but it's not like that at all. There are times where I will go to the supermarket and I'm there for half an hour staring at the same shelf and I get so frustrated that I just leave the shop without anything. 

"The point that my brain is at now is that I know that I need to eat to survive and there are no two ways about it, but the feeling I get from when I do eat and looking at myself is so unbelievably overwhelming, it is hard to put into words."

Conor explained that it is very hard to describe how it feels to someone that doesn't suffer from an eating disorder. He will often dread family events where there is food or avoid them all together. However, Conor's family and friends rallied around him from the day he opened up about his struggles and have been by his side ever since.

Conor continued: "I am so lucky to have such an amazing support system with my family and friends and I am open with them all and they are there for me, everyday. I've always journalled but instead of noting down calories, calories I've eaten, calories I'd burned, I began writing down my thoughts and feelings. 

"I took to social media to talk about what an eating disorder actually is and how it can impact your day to day life. As a place just to talk, not for views or generalisation. It is a way to document my journey and be honest about it all. Recovery is not linear. It is a rollercoaster and you'll have your up days and your down days and your down days can be very dark. It sometimes feels like it won't get better but it will. I want to be honest for myself today and for 14 year old me."

Conor said that his eating disorder often leaves him feeling exhausted and he won't have the energy to do what he needs to do, "There are weeks where my job does suffer because I can't concentrate. I work in an environment where there is food and it can be very hard and stressful at times to just be there. I got used to putting on a brave face. 

"As the eldest, I feel like it's natural, to act like everything is fine. But my family has been by my side the whole time. There are days when I eat and there are days when I don't. But I need to stop focusing on the days that I don't and reward myself for the days that I am. 

"When I was at school, I didn't open up, I didn't speak about it, it wasn't healthy. I distinctly remember at school feeling uncomfortable eating in front of people and the pressures of weight at such a young age. I'd be terrified to go into the school canteen so I just stopped going altogether. I didn't know if I was going to be taunted for being gay or for being really skinny so I avoided it completely. I closed myself off and hid. 

"Unfortunately, that is what happens for a lot of people, they hide it and sometimes so well that no one ever finds out. People always think that someone with an eating disorder is always really skinny when it is just not the case. It is such a stereotype. I am the heaviest I have ever been but my brain knows I am a healthy weight and I am fighting to come to terms with that.

"An eating disorder doesn't define you or who you are or what you look like. It is just this really sh*t thing that some people go through and live with. I was determined to not let my eating disorder define who I am. I wanted to be me. I am not just someone with an eating disorder."

Conor has come an incredibly long way since his teenage years and can now openly talk about how he feels, "I get days where I don't feel comfortable in my skin. There is no magic fix. It is an unfortunate reality but it is all about how you cope with your good days and how you bounce back from your bad days. 

"I would just hate for another person to ask for help and, just because they don't fit the picture of an eating disorder that everywhere portrays, they don't get the help that they need and go down a dark path. 

"The mind is terrifying but I now know what works for me. I am sad that I had to work that out for myself because if I got help when I was 19, I may have got here sooner. I never got the professional help that I needed. I looked up charities that could help and a lot were targeted at women. I felt so alone and my entire world crumbled. 

"I am so grateful that younger me was able to pick those pieces up and glue them back together, I am proud of myself and I need to remember how far I've come. I know my triggers. I know how to help myself get stronger. I know it can get so out of control so quickly and I don't want that for myself anymore so I need to make sure that I am coping healthily.

"People need to realise that you can say, 'you need food to live,' or 'just eat three meals days,' but it will never make someone's issue with food any easier. They need love, they need help, they need support, help them understand how they're feeling. 

"If you are struggling, be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Talk about it, it is so important. You might stumble on the road to recovery but it doesn't mean your recovery stops. You need to pick yourself back up because things will get better.

"The world keeps on moving and I don't want to be in a state where I am that sick that I am not there to see it moving anymore. I don't want anyone else to be in that position either. Hopefully someone finds comfort in my honesty."

If you have been affected by the issues raised, contact your local GP or https://www. beateatingdisorders.org.uk/