Local family raise funds for Foyle Hospice's Healing Hearts service after the loss of their beloved husband and father

A local mother-of-four has raised over £3,000 for Foyle Hospice children’s counselling service, Healing Hearts, as thanks for the continuing support shown to her son, who was just six-years-old when his father died last year.

Lorraine Reid shared her family’s story ahead of Children’s Grief Awareness Week, which takes place annually from the third Thursday every November. This year it falls on November 17 to November 23.

The late Barry pictured with his wife Lorraine, and their four children, Harry, Lydia, Alex, and Nathan

She spoke about how she and her children, Nathan, 23, Alex, 20, Lydia, 15, and Harry, 7, faced the journey through the diagnosis, illness and death of their much-loved husband and Daddy, Barry. 

Lorraine’s husband, Barry, would have turned 50 on November 15, and she felt a fundraiser in his memory would be a fitting tribute and a good way to say thank you to Healing Hearts at Foyle Hospice for the help they have given the family. A quiz night she organised was a great success, raising over £3,000.

Lorraine explained that Barry was first diagnosed with tonsil and lymph node cancer in 2017 and underwent treatment between Belfast and Derry.

After being given the all-clear following treatment, the family were feeling positive.

Barry, a former tile fitter and bathroom developer, attempted to return to work but found that it was too physical as some muscles had been damaged by treatment.

Barry renovated a horse box, from which he sold homemade street food and baked goods with his sister, Edelle, when he could sadly no longer work as a bathroom developer

However, Lorraine said Barry was a determined person and decided to reinvent himself by renovating a horse box, from which he sold homemade street food and baked goods with his sister, Edelle.

They called the business Baz & Ed’s and supplied local shops with their goods as well as catering for events, festivals and fairs before getting a catering contract at Newtonstewart Golf Club.

Lorraine ended up working alongside Barry there and described it as “the best year and a half we had together."

The couple also worked in Baronscourt Estate while Lorraine was caring for her mother and looking after the children. Life was hectic, then the covid pandemic hit. It was around this time that Barry began to complain of a terrible backache. 

Lorraine explained: “Barry had a backache but we had been so busy, we were flat out, so he thought it was just that.

“Each week progressed and the pain got worse and worse and went down his leg. Eventually they sent him for an MRI and it was getting too much for him. They gave him co-codamol and it wasn’t even touching the pain.

"He lived in the bath; it was the only way he could get any ease as he was in agony. Coming to the end of May he had gotten really bad, he couldn’t walk, he couldn’t sit, he could only lie down, so we knew there was something really badly wrong.

“I took him to the hospital on June 1, 2020, to get an urgent MRI scan in the Cancer Centre. He had the MRI at 10am and 4.30pm we were down in the doctor’s office to tell him he had tumours on his spine.

"I had to leave him at the hospital the next morning, where they did more tests on him, and they discovered it was in the lungs as well.”

Barry had to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy and in March 2021 had to go back to see the doctor due to extreme pain in his back and increasing fatigue.

“The oncologist told him his scan showed there are two tumours at the back of your head that are inoperable," continued Lorraine.

“He said there was no point in doing a biopsy and said: ‘I’m sorry to tell you but you can’t drive again’. When they did a full scan, it was in the brain, lungs, spine, ribs and pelvis.”

Barry was hospitalised but came back out home again, where Lorraine was caring for him. However, she noticed he was becoming very sleepy and she could not wake him to take his medication.

Barry was admitted to the Cancer Centre in Derry and when Lorraine spoke to the nurse, she asked her to tell Barry to ring home as he had not been answering her calls.

When Barry rang, he was unable to speak on the phone. The nurse asked Lorraine to come up to see him and, when she arrived, she was told that Barry had at most four weeks to live and at the least, a week.

A palliative care nurse at the hospital gave Lorraine a leaflet about Healing Hearts. Foyle Hospice then contacted her, saying Michelle Kosky, facilitator at Healing Hearts, would be in touch.

Barry was able to return home, where he was cared for by the Specialist Palliative Team from Foyle Hospice, but he deteriorated over the weekend.

Michelle from Healing Hearts called Lorraine to guide her through how to break the news to Harry, who was just six at the time.

“Harry came home and he had won Pupil of the Year that day, the school gave it to him early because they knew what was happening with his Daddy, but Barry was more or less unconscious,” Lorraine said.

“I had spoken to Joanne the palliative care nurse from Foyle Hospice and Michelle from Healing Hearts. They prepped me on what to say to the children. It’s something you think you’re never ever going to have to do with your children.

"Harry came home that day full of the joys and left the wee trophy up beside Barry and was sitting telling his Daddy all about it. Then I had to sit down with him and tell him his Daddy was going to die very soon.

“The sheer emotion of Harry; the tears flowed and they just wouldn’t stop. He asked why and was it because his back was sore. He knew it was cancer because we had spoken about it.

"At the time, I felt like I had ruined his wee life, it should have been one of the happiest days for him and I felt like I had shot that to pieces but looking back, I know I did the right thing. 

“Michelle had told me before to use the correct terminology and say Barry was going to die, not that he was going to sleep because some kids are scared to sleep again after that. She said the more honest I was, the better it would be in the long run.”

Lorraine continued: “On the Tuesday morning I got Harry ready for school and he came in and kissed his Daddy goodbye and he said: “It’s very sad, isn't it, Mammy?” and I said: “Yes, it is, darling, it’s very sad indeed.”

“Then he asked me: ‘When do you think he will go to heaven?’ and I said: ‘It’s very hard to know.’

"He went back and gave Barry a hug again and I took him to school. Barry died very peacefully on the Wednesday morning.”

Healing Hearts has given Barry's son, Harry so much support after he lost his father 

Lorraine said that she will always be grateful for the guidance from Healing Hearts at the most difficult time of her life.

“Michelle spoke to me and told me what to say, which was great, she got involved just two days before Barry died but I couldn’t have done it without her.

“I wish that I had spoken to someone when Barry was diagnosed. We knew he wasn’t going to live but we didn’t know how long.”

Since Barry’s death, Harry has continued attending Healing Hearts, where he has made friends and where Lorraine has found support meeting other bereaved spouses.

“I started taking him down to the Hospice in October and I remember the first day when he walked in there with Michelle, I sat in the car and bawled my eyes out,” she said.

“I thought, ‘What on earth has happened that I’m sitting outside Foyle Hospice and Harry is in there with Michelle’, but he really took to her, how could you not?” said Lorraine.

“Harry is very open and he’s a talkative wee boy. He draws pictures, he’s made decorations, they made a memory box and memory jars with coloured sand and writes down what each memory colour means, things you would never think of, and Harry isn’t afraid to tell me when he’s sad and Michelle has brought that out in him.

“He always looks forward to going to see Michelle; without Healing Hearts, I dread to think of how he would be because I don’t think he would be the same child.

"She has brought him out of himself to talk about things because he and his Daddy were very close. I think he also enjoyed the time for me and him going up in the car and coming back. He always told me what was going on and talked about what they were doing and Michelle has also really been there for me.”

Lorraine said: “I wanted to give back to Healing Hearts because they have done so much for us. Talking to Michelle has helped me to realise that things do change but things do go on as well, you’ll never forget the memory of them and it’s good to keep it going.

“All the things Healing Hearts do like the memory jars, the memory bears, the contents of it – everything they do costs money.

"It is a charity so you have to give something back because I wouldn’t have known what to do without it. Healing Hearts has given Harry so much, he takes his bear to bed every night with him; he cuddles it when he needs it and he loves it.

“It’s come to the point now where they can mix with more children and now Harry’s making friends there and we have had play dates with the other children.

“Barry always tried to remain happy and positive throughout and the kids were always involved so much with everything. I think the tools that Michelle gave Harry has made him understand a lot. Healing Hearts is such an appropriate name for them because that’s exactly what they’re doing.

“Healing Hearts is the right thing for children and I just dread to think how Harry would have been if he didn’t have that help. If that support wasn’t there, I don’t know how I would have been expected to help him because I don’t know what to say or do all the time, so Healing Hearts has been a massive help to me.”

Barry and Lorraine on their wedding day

Lorraine urged others facing the same difficult time trying to prepare their children for the death of a loved one or needing help with a grieving child to make contact with Healing Hearts at Foyle Hospice.

“I would say try and get as much help beforehand, if possible, because Michelle prepares children before someone dies as well,” she said.

“If I had realised or known about Healing Hearts sooner, I would have been in touch long beforehand because you wing it until you have to prepare them and definitely for after someone dies, children need it. I would strongly encourage people to use this service, without a shadow of a doubt. I don’t know what we would have done without it.”

Based at Foyle Hospice, Healing Hearts is a counselling service for children aged 4-16.

Healing Hearts prepares children who have an important adult in their lives living with a life-limiting disease. They provide help to prepare children for the death of someone special and work with children to help them deal with their grief after the death.

All children are welcome, their loved one does not have to be cared for by Foyle Hospice. This is a free service that offers one-to-one support, family support and group support.

If you would like further information about Healing Hearts, please contact 02871 351010 or email michellekosky@foylehospice.com.

You can also ask a health or social care professional to make a referral for you. 

You can also make a donation online at www.foylehospice.com or call down to the Foyle Hospice Fundraising Centre at 61 Culmore Road, Derry.