Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’

“I’m sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat,” is a devastating sentence for any expectant parent.

“The loss of a baby through stillbirth and miscarriage is tragic, a tragedy for the people who experience it and that is what needs to be recognised.”

These are the heartfelt words of Dr Anne Tracey, author of Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’. 

“It is not just something they can walk away from and forget about. They carry it with them forever,” added Anne.

Dr Anne Tracey presenting her book Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’ to Mayor Sandra Duffy.

Originally from Moneymore in County Derry, Anne, the daughter of Susan and Francie Corey, recalled growing up “close to grief”, an experience which has informed her work to date.

She said: “When I was growing up, I discovered two very important things about my Mum. One of them was that her own mum had died four days before her seventh birthday, so she was in grief from a very, very early age. 

“And then I discovered her third son, my brother Patrick, was stillborn. 

“That was in an era when there was no counselling. It was not talked about. There was very little support. So my mam carried that grief all of her life. It silenced her. 

“Imagine, four days before your seventh birthday, your mum dies and it is not talked about,” said Anne.

Anne’s motivation in writing Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’ and her previous book, Surviving the Early Loss of a Mother: Daughters Speak, was researching something she was “passionate about”.

“When it came to my doctoral research, I wanted to do something I wanted to understand better. 

“At that stage, I looked at  the early loss of a mother with daughters. It was the first study of its kind in Ireland. I then converted my PhD into a book, which was the first book of its kind in Ireland. 

“Then I knew I had more research I wanted to do and because I studied psychology and spent 26 years with Cruse Bereavement Care as a volunteer counsellor, I was drawn to areas of research that had a meaning. The early loss of a mother had meaning and  stillbirth and miscarriage had a meaning, so, in 2016, I started the process of trying to get ethical permission from the Office for Research Ethics Committees Northern Ireland (ORECNI), because it was such a sensitive area of research. 

“I got permission to do the book. One of the most important things about Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’ was that it includes men and women’s lived experience of stillbirth and miscarriage.

“It is also an all Ireland study and I am really proud of what the participants,  the mums and dads and myself have achieved, with the help of Marie Murray who is the editor for Cork University Press,” said Anne.

Anne said the book contained great insight and learning about the experience of stillbirth and miscarriage.

“When a mum becomes pregnant the relationship with the baby begins,” said Anne, “and if that child is lost, it does not matter if it is one week, two weeks, five weeks or six months, the loss is just as huge. 

“People think, ‘Oh, it is only a couple of weeks you’re  alright. Sure you’ll get over it. You’ll have another one’. That drives people crazy. One of the important things about the book is that it is men and women’s experiences. 

“Within each chapter of this book there are very strong and powerful messages from the parents, mums and dads, bereaved parents, about their experience. There are messages here for the medical profession, employers, other parents, friends, people out there. 

“To know that, no matter what stage of the pregnancy you lose that baby it is just as deeply felt. It is still a loss. It needs to be grieved. Mums and dads do not want it glossed over. They are saying, please know how this feels.  

“Parents are talking about what it is actually like for them to go to a consultant, who may or may not deliver the news in a particularly good way that their baby has died and will be born without life or breath, and pause and think about what that is like for a mum or dad,” said Anne.

The title of the book, 'Say my baby’s name', is a quote from the mums and dads in the book.

Anne explained: “All of the chapter titles are quotes from the mums or dads. It is almost like a plea for people to acknowledge and validate that the baby has been lost through miscarriage or stillbirth and if the baby’s name is known, please say it.

“One parent said when an adult dies everybody commiserates, talks about the adult, recalls some memories. It is not the same when a baby dies but mums and dads still want the same acknowledgement and validation because, when a baby dies through stillbirth and miscarriage the baby is not known to people but the parent is known.

“So they are saying, in the same way an adult is commemorated and talked about and waked and grieved, they want the same for their baby. Now, you may not know the baby’s name or it may not have had a name but these parents are saying,  just say to me, ‘I’m sorry your baby died’. Don’t ignore it. Don’t walk to the other side of the street. Just say to me, ‘I am sorry your baby died and that would mean the world,’” said Anne.

The reason Anne chose the golden colour for the book cover is because she thought to herself, ‘There is gold in here’.

“Parents are relaying very powerful messages that need to be known,” she said. “For example, there is a chapter titled, ‘Men are not in the line of vision’. 

“Fathers in the book are saying nobody takes notice of us. Nobody says ‘How are you doing?’ Some of them say, it’s all about the mum. She is the one that needs medical attention but it would be appreciated if someone would say, ‘How are you doing?’ 

“What we realise in this chapter is men are in the line of vision of their partners or wives who see them upset, crying, devoted, there for them, holding them, supporting them, so they are actually in the line of vision of their partner and that is important to recognise.

“This book is not an easy read but it is an important read and there is hope in it. Partly that stories have been shared and also some of them talk about finding a saviour maybe in an agency like Stillbirth And Neonatal Death Support (SANDS) or Cruse Bereavement Care. 

“It contains great messages, insight and learning. It really shines a light on all of what happens to somebody through that whole journey,” said Anne.

Dr Anne Tracey presenting the book "Stillbirth and Miscarriage, a Life-changing Loss" to Mayor Sandra Duffy. Included are family and friends.

Stillbirth and Miscarriage, A life-changing Loss: ‘Say my baby’s name’ was published before Christmas and launched in UCD by publishers, Cork University Press. It will also be launched in Derry and Belfast, with a signing in Galway, in the coming months.

Fresh from a civic reception facilitated by Mayor of Derry City and Strabane District Council Cllr Sandra Duffy, Anne added: “I hope this book will bring solace to mums and dads, and maybe healing for those who have gone through this. I hope their loss is recognised. 

“They will identify with the book and the stories in the book and hopefully, in that way, people will say, ‘That’s my story,’”