Derry's first ever Death Café: Death is the final course of the day

Derry hosted its first ever Death Café on Sunday. Derry News reporter Eimear McGovern went along to see what was on the menu.

On a cold and sunny Sunday afternoon in March, you might think that a group of people sitting in a café might be there for a book club, to drink good coffee or to discuss the recent assembly election.

However, it was a very different topic on the agenda yesterday.

Around twenty people gathered to talk about death, what most might consider a morbid topic - but in the first event in Derry of its kind, organisers were attempting to break down the taboo surrounding the subject.

Their aim was to ask participants about their views on death – what makes a good death, what would you like to achieve before you die, and even what songs would you like played at your funeral.

The event took place in the Warehouse Café, a venue which project facilitator Linda Morris thought would be open to this kind of gathering.

“Warehouse is a bit quirky, a bit out of the ordinary, so we thought they’d be open to having us here.

“You can make a project like this as simple or as complicated as you want it. There have already been two events like this in Belfast, and they were a great help to me,” she said.

Walking into the café, attendees were greeted with a Death Café Menu.

Instead of displaying the tasty treats on offer at Warehouse, this menu instead asked about what items are on your bucket list and what you would most miss in dying.

Attendees spent two short hours talking about everything death-related.

At the death café, there were people of all religions and none – some of whom believe that there is a heaven, while others believed that death was the end.

“What is there up in the fluffy clouds?” asked Tracey.

When asked what she might miss when she dies, Shauna said: “If you have a spiritual belief, you believe that when you go, you will see your family again.”

John spoke about the death of his father as one of the first moments he worried about death.

“The biggest thing for me that made me scared was when my father died, I thought – I’m next. That affected me,” he said. ““Men don’t talk about anything.”

Some topics were divisive but one topic that united many was cremation.

Several attendees agreed that they would like to be cremated after they die – and many remarked that this was because they were afraid they would be buried alive.

“Being cremated is cheaper, but we shouldn’t have to travel all the way to Belfast,” said Rory. “We should have a crematorium in Derry.”

While a death café is not intended as a counselling session for those who have been recently bereaved, loved ones gone before us were on everyone’s mind.

There was a wide range of ages at the death café, one of whom spoke about friends of his who had recently passed away.

“I knew Emma McLaughlin and I was friends with Stevie Martin, so losing them definitely made me think about death more,” said Rory who attended with three of his friends.

Rory said that having a religious funeral would not be for him.

“I think when people die, religion can hijack it by bringing in all these rituals that have nothing to do with the person. It’s not something I’d like associated with my life,” he said.

For those who have their heart set on a funeral in a church, it was important that the priest be able to make personal remarks about their life.

Another popular suggestion was that the funeral should be a party, although many agreed that it might be difficult for those left behind to celebrate.

“It’s hard for people to have a party if they feel sad during a funeral, but it can be very nice if it’s done right” said Terry.

John volunteers driving the minibus for Foyle Hospice and says that experience has made him much more comfortable with the idea of death.

However, there is one condition.

“I wouldn’t like to lose my independence,” he said. “Being able to do things for yourself is the most important thing and once you’ve lost that, it’s very difficult.”

When asked whether she would like to be aware of her impending death, Mary said yes. “Being at peace with people is so important, and having the chance to settle things with people.”

The death café was also an opportunity for her to think about her place in the world.

“There’s also a thing that we think we’re indispensable, we’re not. Does anyone care when we’re gone?” said Mary.

That might seem like a depressing topic for a Sunday afternoon but those attending the death café were pragmatic about the stage of life that will come for us all.

Everyone agreed that pain relief was the most important thing in a good death, as was having the chance to fulfil your last wishes.

“I just got involved in palliative care, and that’s one of the issues that we talk about,” said Shauna.

“It’s important that at the end of life, people would get the same care and respect in the end of life that they do at the start.”